


Tragedy + Time

by WhereverMySITakesMe



Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, At least she did, Barriss Offee Needs a Hug, But that ship has sailed, Dissociation, F/F, Flashbacks, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentioned Barriss Offee, Minor Kanan Jarrus, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,001
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27804628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhereverMySITakesMe/pseuds/WhereverMySITakesMe
Summary: Ahsoka realizes all the signs of Barriss' fall that she missed. In the worst possible way.
Relationships: Barriss Offee/Ahsoka Tano
Kudos: 45





	Tragedy + Time

You don’t see many Mirialan around, outside of Mirial. And anyway not all Mirialan were green, half were men and really, none of them looked like Barriss.

Not that that mattered. Ahsoka didn’t need to see a doppelgänger to think of her once-friend. Lots of things reminded her of Barriss- a woman running in a long skirt, the gentle touch of a healer, the light of the early morning sun on stone, eyes as blue as Naboo’s sea. When Ahsoka wasn’t ruthless enough at pushing away randomly sparked memories, thoughts of Barriss would keep her awake at night. Sometimes it seemed as though she thought of little else.

Her anger had faded over the years, but the confusion it left behind was just as burning. Over and over she ran through every interaction she and Barriss had ever had, searching for a sign of what was to come. A hatred of the Jedi. A hatred of **Ahsoka**. Something she could have seen and acted on if she’d only been observant enough. She found nothing.

Until, out of nowhere, one awful day, it all clicked together.

A fire fight. Herself and the crew of the Ghost. Their mission complete. Nothing left to do except escape. Completely overwhelmed and, worst of all, surrounded by civilians. The Empire might not care about shooting its own people but the Rebellion did. Ahsoka’s eyes were sweeping the street around her, not just taking in the positions of the storm troopers and her allies but also searching for anyone who needed her protection.

It was then that Ahsoka saw her, crouched behind a speeder. A Mirialan girl. Green skinned, teenaged, terrified.

There was something in the girl’s eyes, her face, her expression. Or some weakness in Ahsoka- she was over tired, over worked, over stressed. Whatever it was, something broke through her armor.

She saw Barriss’ face, the same fear in her bright blue eyes.

She couldn’t look away.

Barriss was right there, silently begging for the help she had never got. Beautiful. Broken.

“Ahsoka!” The shout jolted Ahsoka back to awareness, or something resembling it. She didn’t know where or when she was or who had called her name and if someone had asked her who they were fighting she might have said “The Seperatists” but she knew that she **was** fighting. She knew she needed to move or she would die.

Somehow, thanks to her training, combat experience and the guidance of the Force, Ahsoka fought on, disoriented, distracted and almost blind. She still didn’t know who she was fighting or why. Time was chaotically skipping and jumping. Every blink brought more images of Barriss. The look on her face when she left the medical facility after a long shift. The youthful brightness of her skin that had faded too early. The pain and fear in her eyes that she had hidden so, so well. The cuts under her long sleeves that had got worse and worse and made no sense as wounds from battle and could only have been the work of Barriss’ own, desperate hands. Barriss crumpling under the pressure. Things Ahsoka coould have seen, should have seen. Did see.

Somehow, one of the disorienting jumps in time brought Ahsoka to a ship, away from the battle. Around her was urgent conversation that she couldn’t follow. It was loud and disjointed and she had lost all the context that would make it comprehensible. Her eyes darted around the room, trying to find something to latch onto, something that made sense. Something that wasn’t Barriss.

“Hey. Hey, Ahsoka.”

Someone was standing in front of her, trying to get her attention “Ahsoka, look at me”

“Yes Master” Ahsoka said instinctively and deignighted her lightsabres. Distantly, she shuddered at the danger of holding lit weapons while disassociating.

“I’m not your- never mind. Let’s get you somewhere quiet. I’m going to touch you, alright?”

When Ahsoka didn’t object he put a hand on her shoulder and then steered her out of the room and down a corridor “Everything is okay. You’re safe”

Everything was absolutely not okay. Ahsoka had let her friend fall to pieces and fall to the darkside and become a terrorist and- “She’s dead”

“Who’s dead?” Kanan?...Anakin?...Someone gently pushed her into a seat.

Ahsoka continued without acknowledging the question “I could have protected her, if she’d been free, if she’d been with me, she could have got away-” She realized that she was crying

“Ahsoka, you aren’t making any sense. Try to breathe”

Shakily, Ahsoka drew in a breath. It made her light headed.

“Good. Deep breaths, in and out, nice and slow.” The man encouraged. Ahsoka obeyed. Now that her vision was clearing, she was more confident that it was Kanan. He was crouched in front of her with both hands on her shoulders, slowly counting out her breaths.

Gradually, Ahsoka came back to herself. The flashbacks and racing thoughts abated, replaced by a hollow dizziness, streaked with embarrassment. She raised a hand to wipe the dried tears from her face “I’m okay”

“Sure?” Kanan shifted into a seat opposite her.

Ahsoka nodded weakly.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Ahsoka tried to speak but instead choked as she was hit by another wave of memories.

“Easy” Kanan touched her arm 

“I can’t” Ahsoka said, her voice cracking. She couldn’t begin to explain what-if anything- had been between her and Barriss or all of the signs that she had missed. Or how much it all hurt.

“That’s okay” Kanan soothed “You don’t have to”

“We were so young.” She blurted, pointlessly.

Kanan nodded, understanding written on his face. He had been a Jedi too. “There’s nothing you can do for her now”

“I know.” Ahsoka took another breath and rose to her feet, shedding her last dregs of her panic “It’s all over. I need to look forward, not back. Barriss is gone”

If she kept moving, she wouldn’t feel the black hole those three words opened in her heart.


End file.
